Joke Oct 31st (BOO!)

Actual Newspaper Headline:

Organ festival ends in smashing climax.

Joke Oct 30th

Ancient Chinese Proverb

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys; All are on different limbs at different times; At any given time, some monkeys are climbing up, others down; The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces; The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

Joke Oct 27

Breasts........ Finally, something other than smiley faces.... :)
(o)(o) perfect breasts
( + )( + ) fake silicone breasts
(*)(*) perky breasts
(@)(@) big nipple breasts
oo A cups
{ O }{ O } D cups
(oYo) wonder bra breasts
( ^ )( ^ ) cold breasts
(o)(O) lopsided breasts
(Q)(O) pierced breasts
(p)(p) hanging tassels breasts
\o/\o/ Grandma's breasts
( - )( - ) against the shower door breasts
oo android breasts
($)($) Jenny McCarthy's breasts (((WHO ???)))

Joke Oct 26th

Grandma's Prescription RX

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied,"I'd like to have some birth control pills." Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?" The woman responded, "They help me sleep better." The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?" The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."

Joke Oct 24th

There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin... I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been laid!!" Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry about you." 10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11 o'clock...12 o'clock... Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flys open. In runs Gladys... straight to the bathroom. Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys??"No she answered, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her pantie saround her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself. "What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty. "Betty, it was10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!!"

Joke Oct 22nd

It's after dinner when a man realizes he's out of cigarettes. He decides to pop down to the local bar for a pack, telling his wife he'll be right back. He's persuaded by the bartender to share a cold one. As he's nursing it a gorgeous blond comes in the door, but he looks the other way. She comes over and sits down. One thing leads to another and she invites him home. Back at her place they screw like rabbits until the next thing he knows it's four o'clock in the morning. Jumping out of bed, he shakes the woman awake, asking if she has any baby powder."In the bathroom cabinet" she says. He dusts his hands, drives home at ninety, and pulls into the driveway to find his wife waiting up for him, rolling pin in hand."So where the hell have you been?" she screams."Well, you see honey," he stammers, "I only went out for cigarettes, but Jake offered me a beer and then this beautiful blonde walked in and we got to talking and drinking and I ended up back at her place making love...""Wait a minute" snapped his wife, "let me see your hands."Turning on him furiously, she says, "Don't lie...you've been bowling again!"

Joke Oct 20th

Embarassing Moments #4

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him go down to the principal's office, he was to phone his mother, and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and he returned to the classroom, where he sat down in his seat. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom." she screamed. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

Joke Oct 19th

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of Life Savers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these." The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored Life Savers, all of the kids were stumped. "I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time." Instantly, one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Spit 'em out, they're assholes!"

Joke Oct 18th

A man is in a bar one night and he claims he can tell any fur type just by its feel and can tell how it was killed. He bets everyone in the bar a round of drinks that he can. So they blindfold him and present him with a fur. He feels it and says, "That's beaver fur and it was shot by a .22." Everyone is amazed. "Just a lucky guess, try again." they all said. So again, he is blindfolded, feels a new fur and proclaims " That's a grey wolf and was shot with a .308" Right again. A new fur-- "That' s a grizzly bear, shot with a 30.06" This goes on all night, and he gets very drunk on all the free drinks. The next morning he wakes up with a big puffy black eye. He asks his wife "I know I was pretty drunk last night, but I don't remember getting into afight." His wife replies "Oh that's from me, when you got into bed last night, you were getting frisky and put you hand between my legs and said"Skunk, split with an axe"

Joke Oct 17th

Embarassing Moments #3

One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE 13, TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER???"

Joke Oct. 16th

Embarassing moment #2

It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call... we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, "SURPRISE!!!" My entire family, aunts, uncles, Grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again...

Joke Oct 13th (Friday :) )

Embarassing moments:

1.) While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now", she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter..

Joke Oct 12, 2006

Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend, Ralph, and she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Ralph: "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window my husband is home early!" Ralph looked out the window and said: "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there!" Mary cried: "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!"So the boyfriend grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window! When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race . . . so he started running along with the others -- only he was still in the nude and carrying his clothes on his arm.One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?" Ralph answered, while gasping for air: "Oh yes, It feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."Another runner then asked the nude man: "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?" Ralph answered breathlessly: "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"A third runner then asked: "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" Ralph answered, "Only if it's raining."

Joke Oct 10th

There was a couple, married for 20 years, and every time they had sex the husband always insisted on turning off the lights. After 20 years of this, the wife was fed up. She figured she would break her husband of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of doing it, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a dildo. She got very upset. "You impotent pig," she screamed, "how could you deceive me all these years? You'd better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eye and says calmly..."I'll explain the dildo if you explain the kids."

Joke Oct 6th

Dirty Danny sat in the back of his first-grade class. Miss Pagnozzi announced, "We're going to play a game. I'll say a few words about something and you try to tell me what I'm thinking about. The first thing is a fruit. It's round and it's red." Little Billy raised his hand and said, "An apple." "No, it's a tomato. But I'm glad to see you're thinking," said the teacher. "Now the next one is yellow and it's a fruit." Rickey raised his hand and said, "A grapefruit!" "No, it's a lemon. But I'm glad to see you're thinking," said Miss Pagnozzi. "The next one is round and it's a green vegetable." Little Mary shouted up, "It's a lettuce." "No," said the teacher. "It's a pea. But I'm glad to see you're thinking." Just then Danny raised his hand and said, "Teach, can I ask you one?" "All right." "I got somethin' in my pocket. It's long and it's hard and it's got a pink tip." "Danny!" shouted the teacher. "That's disgusting!" "It's a pencil," said Danny. "But I'm glad to see you're thinking."

Oct 5th bonus joke

Grandma's letter. She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choirperformance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did. What an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, For the love of God! Go! Go!Go! Jesus Christ, GO! What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back therebecause I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved atall my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!Will write again soon,
Love Grandma

Joke Oct 5th

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?" The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"
"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."
"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."
"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc.. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

Joke Oct 4th

Chris Rock quote of the year
"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon."

Joke Oct 3rd

A group of people were traveling cross-country on a Greyhound bus. The driver had just turned onto the interstate highway when a woman came up to him and said, "Please stop the bus, there's a man back there who is bothering me." The driver said he'd stop at the very next exit. A short while later, another woman came up and made the same complaint. When the driver was finally able to stop, he walked to the rear of the bus and saw a little, old, baldheaded man down on his hands and knees. The bus driver asked, "Sir, what seems to be the problem?"
"Well," says the little, old man, "I lost my toupee and I'm looking for it. I thought I'd found it several times, but mine parts on the side."

Joke Oct 2nd (Oct already!!!)

A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5,000.00 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving, she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," the clerk replies.
"I'm actually 47," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonalds and upon getting her order, asks the counter girl the same question.
She replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies, "Nope, I am 47." Now she is feeling really good about herself. While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question.
He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is starting to go. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands up your shirt and feel your boobs. Then I can tell exactly how old you are."
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go ahead." The old man slips both hands up her shirt, under her bra, and begins to feel around.
After a couple of minutes she says, "Okay,, how old am I?"
He removes his hands and says, "You are 47."
Stunned the woman says, "That is amazing. How did you know?"
The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonalds."