Joke for Sept 29th (early)

A 75-year old couple decided they wanted to have a child together. But they were having trouble conceiving. So to see if he could still be the father of a child, he went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?" The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"

Thursdays Joke

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the sheik came in."I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik turned to the first man and asked him what he did for a living."I'm a cop," said the first man."Then we will shoot your penis off!" said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living."I'm a firemen," said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!" said the sheik. Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" The third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

Wednesday Joke

My dog Sex

When he found out that i was baptist, he bit me. He was a wonderful watchdog. One evening while i was being held up.... he watched.
Everybody who has a dog calls him either Rover or Boy, I call mine sex..... now sex is a very embarrassing name. One day I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for him. A cop came over to me and said," what are you doing in this alley at 4 am?" I said , "I'm looking for Sex." My case comes up Thursday.
One day I went to city Hall to get a dog license and told the clerk, "I would like to have a license for Sex." He said, "I would like to have one too." Then i said, "But this is a dog." And he said he didnt care how she looked. Then I said " you dont understand, I've had Sex since I was two years old." He said "you must been a very strong baby."
I told him when we seperated i went to court to fight for custody of the dog.. I said "your Honor, I had Sex before I got married," and the judge said "me too " When I told him that after I was married Sex left me and he said " me too" Then i told him that I had Sex on TV and he said " show off" I told him that it was a contest and he told me that I should have sold tickets. i also told the judge about the time when my spouse and I was on our honeymoon and we took the dog Sex. When I checked into the motel I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my spouse and I and a special room for Sex. The clerk said that every room in the motel was for Sex. Then I said " you dont understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." And the clerk said "me too!
I give up

Tuesday Joke

A penguin is driving through Arizona on a hot summer's day when he notices his oil light is on. He gets out of the car and, sure enough, it's leaking oil all over the road. The penguin drives around the corner to a service station and asks the mechanic to take a look at it.
The mechanic says he has a few others to look at first, but if he comes back in an hour, he can tell the penguin what is wrong with his car. The penguin agrees and goes for a walk. He finds an ice cream shop and thinks a big bowl of vanilla ice cream will really hit the spot since he's a penguin and its Arizona in the summer, after all. He sits down at the counter and starts in on his ice cream. Of course, he has no hands so it is rather messy. By the time he is done he has ice cream all over his flippers and his mouth-a total mess. He walks back to the service station and says to the mechanic, "Did you find out what is wrong with my car?"The mechanic replies, "It looks like you've blown a seal."
"No, no," says the penguin. "It's just ice cream."

Monday Joke

Clyde died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Clem and Zeke, were sent for.
Clem went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Clem said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Clem looked and said "Nope, it ain't Clyde." The mortician thought this was rather strange.
Then he brought Zeke in to identify the body and Zeke took a look at him and said "Yup, he"s burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Zeke looked down and said "No, it ain't Clyde."
The mortician asked "How can you tell?"
Zeke said "Well, Clyde had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes."
"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Everytime we went to town, folks would say "Here comes Clyde with them two assholes!"

Friday Joke

The rules of bedroom golf
1. Each Player shall furnish his own equipment - normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object of the game is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft.
5. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
6. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
7. The object of the game is to use as many strokes as necessary until the owner of the course is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
8. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.
9. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.
10. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain-gear along, just in case.
11. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be their course.
12. Players should not assume that a course is in a fit shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful under this situation.
13. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.
14. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the request of the course owner.
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
16. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
17. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at any given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner, and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

Wednesday joke

Bubba is showering in a locker room with his buddy when he notices his friend is very well endowed. "Damn, Bob, you're really hung!" Bubba exclaims.

"I wasn't always this impressive; I had to work for it."

"What do you mean?" Bubba asked.

"Well, everyday for the past 2 years, I've spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy, but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it."

Bubba agrees, and the two say good-bye.

A few months later, the two are in the same locker room, and Bob asks Bubba how his situation was developing. Bubba replied, "I did what you said, Bob, but I've actually gotten smaller! I lost 2 inches already!"

"Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?"

"Well, we don't usually have real butter, so I've been using Crisco."

"Crisco!" Bob exclaimed. "Dammit, Bubba, Crisco is shortening!"

Tuesday Joke

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.

He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th."
Once again he thanked her.

He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help." He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No, I wouldn't," he said.

She said, "I sell tampons."

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard. She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!"

Monday Joke

Taxes

Since the IRS has decided to tax men's penises, it has come to believe that women shouldn't be left out. So they have decided that a Breast Tax is in order.

Please refer to the chart below for your tax computation:
AA cup Flat rate $ 5.00
A cup Slight rise $10.00
B cup Normal rate $15.00
C cup Over abundant rate $20.00
D cup* "Are they real?" rate $40.00

PLEASE NOTE: Anyone under AA cup is eligible for a refund.
PLEASE DO NOT REQUEST AN ENLARGEMENT!!!
* Females exceeding D cup should consult their tax advisor for the KNOCK YOUR EYES OUT Capital Gains tax.

Ahhh... Home again

Travel throws a bit of a kink in providing jokes...

Back from 3 days in Sudbury Ontario visiting a client. Really wiped out, and taking the weekend to relax and get ready for work on Monday again.

Meetings with client for three days. Just tiring! A three hour time difference doesn't help either.

After our first day of meetings Sue and I went for a walk. Down to Ramsey lake and part way around on the bordwalk. What a lovely time that was, very picturesque, the walkway is right on the lake and goes all the way around (over 20 km). We walked for about 1.5 hours, felt sooo good after travelling all of the previous day and working late into the night preparing for the day's meetings.

We met with Debra, a former co-worker, while in Sudbury. What fun it was, getting caught up and just having an enjoyable night. She took us on a tour of Sudbury, and of course we had to go to the big nickle... She had made recommendations of restaurants to eat at, and all were very yummy!

The wireless network connection on my laptop would not connect after we left the Toronto airport on the way to Sudbury... That was quite annoying (to put it politely), but luckily after the first night I discovered that the hotel was still wired for network connectivity, and all the meeting rooms had network connections available.

Was so very nice to return home... landing at Victoria airport and the feeling of being home. Finally got home at about midnight (after a full day of meetings), needless to say didn't do too much besides brushing teeth and going right to bed. The cat was very happy to see me home and voiced his pleasure for quite some time, then curled down on top of me and purred much of the night.

Headed off Saturday morning to pick up Casey and no answer at the dog boarder's house... Damn! Was really looking forward to seeing my pup. Went to Tim Hortons for a coffee and muffin, took them to the top of Mount Tolmie and looked over the city while eating my muffin. Checked back afterwards and still no answer, so called and left a message that I had been by, to give me a call when she was back and we would arrange a time. She called shortly after I arrived home and I headed out again to pick up my boy.

He was certainly excited to see me home!!! 10 minutes of him hugging me and giving kisses... it is so very nice to be missed! Sabrina said he had been a very well behaved pup when she had some other dogs on Friday. Seems all the hard work on adjusting his behaviour with other dogs is starting to pay off!

Casey had been scratching while with Sabrina, so most likely fleas. Fleas are pretty much a year round problem here as it doesn't get cold enough to get rid of them. Looking into more natural ways of dealing with them, all the chemicals in the solutions from the vets can not be good long term for the animals.

Continuing on my pear cooking... making a pear bread today, fresh bread sounds soooo good!

All for now, may be an afternoon nap in the works. :)

Sunday joke special

Subject: Ladies' Bumper Stickers...

So Many Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me.
God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends.
My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips.
Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog.
Coffee, Chocolate, Men ... Some Things Are Just Better Rich.
Don't Treat Me Any Differently Than You Would The Queen
Warning: I Have An Attitude And I Know How To Use It.
Of Course I Don't Look Busy...I Did It Right The First Time.
Do Not Start With Me. You Will Not Win.
Sorry If I Looked Interested. I'm Not.
If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In The Kitchen.

Monday's joke

Taxes

The only thing the I.R.S. has not taxed is the penis. This is due to the fact that:
40% of the time it's hanging around unemployed. 20% of the time it's pissed off. 30% of the time it's hard up. 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of all this, it has two dependants and they are both nuts.
Accordingly, starting January 1, 2006, penises will be taxed according to size. To determine the category, please consult the chart below and confirm this information of Page 2, Section 7, Line 3, of the standard 1040 form.
10 to 12 Inches = Luxury Tax $50.00
8 to 10 inches = Pole Tax $30.00
6 to 8 inches = Privilege Tax $15.00
4 to 6 inches = Nuisance Tax $5.00
PLEASE NOTE: Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.
PLEASE DO NOT REQUEST AN EXTENSION.
* Males exceeding 12 inches must file Capital Gains.

Sincerely,
Pecker Checker Internal Revenue Service

Friday Joke

THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE:

AGE FAVORITE DRINK

17 Wine Coolers

25 White wine

35 Red wine

48 Dom Perignon

66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

AGE FAVORITE SPORT

17 shopping

25 shopping

35 shopping

48 shopping

66 shopping

AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

17 " Burger King "

25 " Free meal "

35 " A diamond "

48 " A bigger diamond "

66 " Home Alone "

AGE FAVORITE FANTASY

17 tall, dark and handsome

25 tall, dark and handsome with money

35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain

48 a man with hair

66 a man

AGE WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

17 17

25 25

35 35

48 48

66 66

AGE IDEAL DATE

17 He offers to pay

25 He pays

35 He cooks breakfast the next morning

48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids

66 He can chew

Thursday's joke

THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE:
AGE FAVORITE DRINK
17 beer
25 bourbon
35 vodka
48 double vodka
66 Maalox

AGE FAVORITE SPORT
17 sex
25 sex
35 sex
48 sex
66 napping

AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 " tongue "
25 " breakfast "
35 " She didn't set back my therapy. "
48 " I didn't have to meet her kids. "
66 " Got home alive. "

AGE FAVORITE FANTASY
17 getting to third
25 airplane sex
35 menage a trois
48 taking the company public
66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

AGE WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17

Wednesday Joke

A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice. The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why. The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says, "What's wrong with your co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "He's a midget."

Tuesday joke

At an art exhibition, a couple was viewing a painting of three VERY naked, VERY black men sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on the ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a VERY PINK penis.
While the couple was scratching their heads trying to figure this out, the artist walked by and noticed the couple's confusion. "Can I help you with this painting?" he asked.
"Well, yes" said the gentleman. "We were curious about this picture of the black men on the bench. Why is it that the man in the middle has a pink penis?"
"Oh" said the artist. "I'm afraid you've misinterpreted the painting. The three men are not Negroes, they're coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went home for lunch!"

Sunday morning relaxing and rambling

What a gorgeous morning. Had some time out in the back yard with the dog, throwing the ball and doing a bit of obedience work... He is starting to ignore me on the Come recall, so have some work do to get him reliable.

There is a pear tree in the backyard and it is covered with fruit, as is the ground underneath. Casey will go through the pears that have fallen off the tree and play/eat his choice ones. It is cute to watch, have to get the camera out with us and get a video of him eating a pear.

Gathered up a bunch of pears yesterday and made apple-pear butter. YUMMY! Definately will do that recipe again! Going to try pear marmalade which has ginger in it :), and also found a recipe for pear bread made in the bread machine. The internet is my friend. :)

Got an email from a friend this morning and it was so very refreshing... here is what Verdi had to say:
I am sitting at the kitchen table with the Sunday papers spread out in front of me and my cup of coffee by my hand. I am facing the side window and there is a sunflower right outside - hollyhocks in May and June, sunflowers in August and September. It is raining, the remnants of Ernesto. The light rain falls on the leaves of the sunflower, gently runs down each leaf and pauses with a drop at the point of the leaf. How beautiful! How full of wonder!
Verdi you have such a way with words. I feel as though I am sitting next to you drinking my tea. Thanks again for sharing, and hope you don't mind my sharing with friends other than the Magpies.

On the family front things are on the move again. My youngest sister and her dog Darwin have moved to Vancouver, so I have family closer than Yellowknife (the previous closest). She is pretty busy getting established and starting experiments at UBC, hopefully once things settle down she and Darwin will be able to come over for a visit.

Jason will be returning from Yellowknife in the next month or so. Another sister's family who he was living with are moving to Saskatoon and their house is currently on the market. He has been asked to stay in the house until it sells as my sister and her family head to Saskatoon in early September. I am hoping that things will move quickly with the house and he will be here by the end of September. It will be interesting to have him back, he left for Yellowknife August 28, 2005. I know Jason will be happy to see Casey and probably the cat as well.

I must get going on some quilting projects. Have a baby quilt to finish the hand quilting (summer is too warm to hand quilt) and binding and a challenge project to complete for a quilting get away weekend the last weekend of September (Bowser gals I haven't yet started, but have a few ideas :), hey it has only been a year lol).

Having a long weekend just a week after returning from vacation is great! really enjoying it, and still have a day and a half before have to return to work. Usually they whiz by so quickly but this one has been very enjoyable and casual.

Well, must get some housework done. Unfortunately the animals do not step up and do it for me :( sheesh!

Later All.

Friday's joke

I had to take my son's hamster to the vet.

Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room."He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.

"Oldest trick in the book," I informed him. "You go in to see what'swrong with the sick one and the other one sneaks up behind you and bonks you on the head. Then they change into your clothes and escape."

"I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put a hamster-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back,looking distressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called,"come look at the hamster!"

"Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie!"I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what did you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" sheinquired sarcastically.

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her."Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it was a little hard to tell," she informed me. By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Gross!" they shrieked.

"Great; what are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know.

"Well, when my parents' dog had puppies, I took them up to the grocery store in a cardboard box and gave them away," I recalled.

"So what are you going to do, go up with a pair of tweezers so people can pick out their hamster?" she asked. We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"A breech birth," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when itnext appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried again, with the same results.

"Should I dial 911?" my daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through it."

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," I told him. The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, an epidural?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen....Ernie is a boy."

"What?"

"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, male hamsters will, ah..." He blushed, glancing at my wife."Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron." We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie is just...just..."

"Excited?" my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my wife started to giggle.

"What's so funny?" I demanded.Tears were now running down her face.

"Just...that...I'm picturing pulling on its...its..." she gasped.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie is really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have no idea," my wife agreed, collapsing into laughter as I gave her a dirty look.

Welcome

Hi there friends... welcome to my Blog :).