100 Year old Twin sisters

There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge rag, "The Cambridge Distorter", told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

He said, "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.

"Now get a little closer together", said the cameraman.

Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE" - So they wiggled up close to each other.

"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little", said the photographer.

Yet again - "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"

With a big grin, the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?"

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot. At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt (the manager) to finish waiting on a customer.

When Walt was finished, Mary asked. 'How much for that faucet?' Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.' My goodness that sure is a lot Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Walt yelled, 'Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?'

Mary replied, 'No, but I will for the faucet.'

This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen bring up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead withhis palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows untilit's quite impressively long."Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and gotheir separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies, "All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

Condom joke

A grandpa walks into a grandson's apartment and sees a condom on the table. "What's this!?" demands the grandfather.
"It's a condom," replies the grandson sheepishly.
"What do you use it for?" asks Gramps.
The grandson is surprised that his grandpa really doesn't know what a condom is, and replies, "I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain."
To his surprise his grandpa says, "That's a great idea," and goes off to the drug store. He asks the pharmacist for a condom.
"What size would you like?" asks the pharmacist.
"Oh, big enough to fit a camel."

Men's definitions

DATING: The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially know at the present time and may not understand in the future.
EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.
EYE CONTACT: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE: A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."
IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
NYMPHOMANIAC: A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.
SOBER: A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
ATTRACTION: The act of associating horniness with a particular person.
LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny but not entirely choosy people meet.
LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how anattractive your date is.

Joke: Maria

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children, then her husband dies. She remarries two months later, and has 12 children by her second husband before he dies. Three years later she passes away. At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says, "At last, they're finally together." A man standing next to him asks, "Excuse me, father. But do you mean, she and her first husband, or she and her second husband? The priest says, "I mean her legs."

She/He Definitions

Wants & needs (wontz and nedz) n.

female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship.

male: Food, sex and beer.

Thingy (thing-ee) n.

female: Any part under a car's hood.

male: The strapfastener on a woman's bra.

Lesbian (lez-bi-an) n.f

emale: A woman who makes love to other women.

male: A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch and get really turned on.

Glass ceiling (glas see-ling) n.

female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels in business.

male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up.

Vulnerable (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

male: Playing ball without a cup.

Communication (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.

Butt (but) n.

female: The body part that every item of clothing manufacturedmakes "look bigger."

male: The organ of mooning (and farting).

Commitment (ko-mit-ment) n.

female: A desire to get married and raise a family.

male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

Entertainment (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

female: A good movie, concert, play or book.

male: Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges.

Flatulence (flach-u-lens) n.

female: An embarrassing byproduct of digestion.

male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

Making love (may-king luv) n.

female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

male: What men have to call "boinking" to get women to boink.

Remote control (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2-1/2minutes.

Taste (tayst) v.

female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking,to make sure it's good.

male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.