Joke Apr 11th

An older woman goes to see a plastic surgeon who specializes in face lifts. She tells him that she wants to get rid of all her unsightly wrinkles and bags that have accumulated on her face over the years. The doctor tells her "I have 2 very popular procedures that I do. The first one costs $20,000 and it requires a number of incisions to be made around your face. Small scars may be visible but otherwise, the operation is generally painless and very effective. The second procedure only requires me to put a single golden screw into the top of your head. Then whenever you see some bags or wrinkles beginning to appear, just tighten the screw and it will pull up on the skin around your face causing the wrinkles and sags to disappear. The downside is that this procedure costs $40,000. Which one would you like to have done?" After thinking about this for a moment, the woman replies that shewould like the golden screw put in. They make an appointment and the procedure is done. After a few weeks, the woman goes back to the doctor's office. "I had the golden screw put in and it worked for a while, but now I seem to have these big bags under my eyes that I can't get rid of! What can I do?" The doctor orders a battery of tests to be performed on the woman to determine what could be causing these unsightly bags. "Well, ma'am. We seem to have figured out what the problem is. Those big bags under your eyes?.... they are your breasts. And if you keep tightening down on that screw in your head, in a couple of weeks you are going to have a goatee!"

Joke Apr 9th

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion onthis question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, " My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."The man thinks: 'What does a priest know about sex?', so he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. "Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!" Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, " My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?" The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

Joke Apr 5th

"Try To Put Out This Fire..." A man who worked for the fire department came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the firehouse. Bell #1 rings, and we all put our jackets on. Bell #2 rings, and we all slide down the pole. Bell #3 rings, and we are on the truck and ready to go!" "So," he continues, "From now on, we're going to run this house the same way. When I say Bell #1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell#2, I want you to jump into bed and when I say Bell #3, we're going to make love all night!" The wife is agreeable with this arrangement. The next night, he came home from work and yelled, "Bell #1!" The wife took off all her clothes. "Bell #2!".....The wife jumped into bed."Bell #3!"..... They began passionate loving... After two minutes, the wife yelled, "Bell #4!"..... The husband asked "What the hell is this Bell#4?" "MORE HOSE!" she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE!"

Joke Apr 4th

An old man sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana at 0600 was watching the sun rise and sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says "Catch some chickens." Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. 0ld man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says back "Catch me some ducks." Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy says "It's a pussy willow." Old man says "Hold on a minute. I'll get my hat."