Debs Place

100 Year old Twin sisters

2009-03-14T11:18:00.000-07:00

There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge rag, "The Cambridge Distorter", told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

He said, "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.

"Now get a little closer together", said the cameraman.

Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE" - So they wiggled up close to each other.

"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little", said the photographer.

Yet again - "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"

With a big grin, the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?"

2008-08-22T10:09:00.000-07:00

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot. At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt (the manager) to finish waiting on a customer.

When Walt was finished, Mary asked. 'How much for that faucet?' Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.' My goodness that sure is a lot Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Walt yelled, 'Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?'

Mary replied, 'No, but I will for the faucet.'

This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.

2007-10-23T07:40:00.000-07:00

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen bring up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead withhis palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows untilit's quite impressively long."Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and gotheir separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies, "All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

Condom joke

2007-09-05T06:18:00.000-07:00

A grandpa walks into a grandson's apartment and sees a condom on the table. "What's this!?" demands the grandfather.
"It's a condom," replies the grandson sheepishly.
"What do you use it for?" asks Gramps.
The grandson is surprised that his grandpa really doesn't know what a condom is, and replies, "I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain."
To his surprise his grandpa says, "That's a great idea," and goes off to the drug store. He asks the pharmacist for a condom.
"What size would you like?" asks the pharmacist.
"Oh, big enough to fit a camel."

Men's definitions

2007-08-30T06:29:00.000-07:00

DATING: The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially know at the present time and may not understand in the future.
EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.
EYE CONTACT: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE: A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."
IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
NYMPHOMANIAC: A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.
SOBER: A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
ATTRACTION: The act of associating horniness with a particular person.
LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny but not entirely choosy people meet.
LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how anattractive your date is.

Joke: Maria

2007-08-28T06:44:00.000-07:00

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children, then her husband dies. She remarries two months later, and has 12 children by her second husband before he dies. Three years later she passes away. At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says, "At last, they're finally together." A man standing next to him asks, "Excuse me, father. But do you mean, she and her first husband, or she and her second husband? The priest says, "I mean her legs."

She/He Definitions

2007-08-24T06:07:00.000-07:00

Wants & needs (wontz and nedz) n.

female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship.

male: Food, sex and beer.

Thingy (thing-ee) n.

female: Any part under a car's hood.

male: The strapfastener on a woman's bra.

Lesbian (lez-bi-an) n.f

emale: A woman who makes love to other women.

male: A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch and get really turned on.

Glass ceiling (glas see-ling) n.

female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels in business.

male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up.

Vulnerable (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

male: Playing ball without a cup.

Communication (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.

Butt (but) n.

female: The body part that every item of clothing manufacturedmakes "look bigger."

male: The organ of mooning (and farting).

Commitment (ko-mit-ment) n.

female: A desire to get married and raise a family.

male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

Entertainment (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

female: A good movie, concert, play or book.

male: Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges.

Flatulence (flach-u-lens) n.

female: An embarrassing byproduct of digestion.

male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

Making love (may-king luv) n.

female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

male: What men have to call "boinking" to get women to boink.

Remote control (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2-1/2minutes.

Taste (tayst) v.

female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking,to make sure it's good.

male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.

MEN'S ENGLISH

2007-08-21T07:16:00.000-07:00

"I'm hungry." = I'm hungry.
"I'm sleepy." = I'm sleepy.
"I'm tired." = I'm tired.
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.
"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
"I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?
"I love you." = Let's have sex now.
"I love you, too." = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
"Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

2007-08-21T07:14:00.000-07:00

"Yes" = No

"No" = Yes"

Maybe" = No"

It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

"Do what you want" = You'll pay for this later.

"We need to talk" = I need to complain.

"sure....... ... go ahead" = I don't want you to.

"I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

"Be romantic, turn out the lights" = I have flabby thighs.

"This kitchen is so inconvenient" = I want a new house.

"I want new curtains" = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

"I heard a noise" =I noticed you were almost asleep.

"Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

"How much do you love me?" = I did something today you're really not goingto like.

"Is my butt fat?" = Tell me I'm beautiful.

"You have to learn to communicate." = Just agree with me.

"Are you listening to me?" = [Too late, you're dead.]

Joke Aug 20

2007-08-20T08:06:00.000-07:00

Len called home one afternoon to see what his wife was making for dinner. "Hello?" said a little girl's voice. "Hi, honey, it's Daddy," said Len." Is mommy near the phone?" "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Len said, "But you don't have an Uncle Frank, honey!" "Yes, I do. He's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car just pulled up outside the house." "Okay, Daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl came back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy. " And what happened?
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh my God! And what about Uncle Frank?" "He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that you took out all the water last week to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool, and now he's dead too."
There was a long pause. Then Len said, "Swimming pool? Is this 555-7039?

Joke Aug 17

2007-08-17T09:34:00.000-07:00

NEWLYWEDS

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally the old geezer decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly. "Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently."

The old geezer sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he asked, "Is that one word or two?"

Joke Aug 16th

2007-08-16T07:51:00.000-07:00

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by terrible headaches.When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news isI can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's whatI need, a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman,"I'd like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure!"

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see,... 34 sleeve and...16 and a half neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure!"

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9 and a half wide."

Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How abouta new hat?"

Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure!"The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see. . . 7 5/8."

Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure!"The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36."

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head and said, "You can't wear a size 34 It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!"

Joke July 27th

2007-07-27T11:44:00.000-07:00

Computer Gender
A pastor of a church had previously been a sailor. He was very aware that ships are addressed as "she" and "her". He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two group of computer experts. The first group was composed of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computer should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendations.

The group of women reported that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.

Joke July 12th

2007-07-12T07:50:00.000-07:00

After a long illness, an Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye. "I've some bad news for you ... you have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month." Murphy was shocked and saddened by the news, but being of solid character he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room where his son had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I've got cancer and have been given a short time to live, so let's head for the pub and have a few pints." After three or four pints the two were feeling little less sombre. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy said, "The Irish celebrate the good and the bad, so we're drinking to my impending end. I've only a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." Murphy's friends gave him their condolences and they had a couple more beers. After the friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion .... "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends you were dying from AIDS?" Murphy said, "I am dying from cancer son, I just don't want any of them old bastards sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

Joke July 11th (eep been a while)

2007-07-11T07:58:00.001-07:00

"An organization is like a tree full of monkeys - all on different levels, some climbing up. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes."

Joke July 10th (B)

2007-07-10T14:52:00.002-07:00

How To Shower Like A Man
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the "woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your dick in the mirror, scratch your balls and smell your fingers for one last whiff.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one)
6. Wash your face
7. Wash your armpits
8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar.
11. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)
12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
14. Pee in the shower.
15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hang out of the tub the whole time.
16. Partial dry off.
17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire dick size.
18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
19. Leave bathroom and fan light on.
20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your dick, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.
21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

Joke July 10th (A)

2007-07-10T14:52:00.001-07:00

How To Shower Like A Woman:
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to bathroom.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth,long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

Joke May 30th

2007-05-30T07:18:00.001-07:00

A young girl sees her father in the shower and asks what his testicles are. "Those are the Apples of the Tree of Life," he tells her, by way of poetic concealment. Impressed, the girl then tells this to her mother, who replies, "Did he say anything about that dead branch they're hanging on?"

Jokes - May 24th

2007-05-24T07:30:00.000-07:00

A guy goes into a Chinese bar and says, "How 'bout a Stoly?" The bartender says, "Once upon a time . . ."
Did you hear they found a new use for sheep in Alabama? Wool.
What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with . . . the other is used to carry groceries.
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.
What has 75 balls and screws old ladies? Bingo!
A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck. The bartender says, "All right, I'll let ya stay---but don't start nuthin."
What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter. He won't come anyway.
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer and a mop."
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
Why are there so many Johnson's in the phone book? They all have phones.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play? They're trying to get away from the noise.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers.
Why do Italians hate Jehovah's Witnesses? Italians hate ALL witnesses.
What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
Did you hear about the Amish woman who wanted a divorce? Her husband was driving her buggy.
A guy is driving down the street. A cop pulls him over and says, "Sir, were you aware that your wife fell out of the car about a mile back?" The guy says, "Oh, thank God! I thought I went deaf."
What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an Atheist? Someone who knocks on your door for no reason.
What's the different between a Jehovah Witness and a Yugo? You can slam the door on a Jehovah Witness.

Joke Apr 11th

2007-04-11T08:24:00.000-07:00

An older woman goes to see a plastic surgeon who specializes in face lifts. She tells him that she wants to get rid of all her unsightly wrinkles and bags that have accumulated on her face over the years. The doctor tells her "I have 2 very popular procedures that I do. The first one costs $20,000 and it requires a number of incisions to be made around your face. Small scars may be visible but otherwise, the operation is generally painless and very effective. The second procedure only requires me to put a single golden screw into the top of your head. Then whenever you see some bags or wrinkles beginning to appear, just tighten the screw and it will pull up on the skin around your face causing the wrinkles and sags to disappear. The downside is that this procedure costs $40,000. Which one would you like to have done?" After thinking about this for a moment, the woman replies that shewould like the golden screw put in. They make an appointment and the procedure is done. After a few weeks, the woman goes back to the doctor's office. "I had the golden screw put in and it worked for a while, but now I seem to have these big bags under my eyes that I can't get rid of! What can I do?" The doctor orders a battery of tests to be performed on the woman to determine what could be causing these unsightly bags. "Well, ma'am. We seem to have figured out what the problem is. Those big bags under your eyes?.... they are your breasts. And if you keep tightening down on that screw in your head, in a couple of weeks you are going to have a goatee!"

Joke Apr 9th

2007-04-09T07:43:00.001-07:00

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion onthis question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, " My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."The man thinks: 'What does a priest know about sex?', so he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. "Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!" Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, " My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?" The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

Joke Apr 5th

2007-04-05T07:18:00.000-07:00

"Try To Put Out This Fire..." A man who worked for the fire department came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the firehouse. Bell #1 rings, and we all put our jackets on. Bell #2 rings, and we all slide down the pole. Bell #3 rings, and we are on the truck and ready to go!" "So," he continues, "From now on, we're going to run this house the same way. When I say Bell #1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell#2, I want you to jump into bed and when I say Bell #3, we're going to make love all night!" The wife is agreeable with this arrangement. The next night, he came home from work and yelled, "Bell #1!" The wife took off all her clothes. "Bell #2!".....The wife jumped into bed."Bell #3!"..... They began passionate loving... After two minutes, the wife yelled, "Bell #4!"..... The husband asked "What the hell is this Bell#4?" "MORE HOSE!" she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE!"

Joke Apr 4th

2007-04-04T08:04:00.000-07:00

An old man sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana at 0600 was watching the sun rise and sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says "Catch some chickens." Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. 0ld man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says back "Catch me some ducks." Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy says "It's a pussy willow." Old man says "Hold on a minute. I'll get my hat."

Joke Mar 26

2007-03-26T09:01:00.000-07:00

Sam the mailman is retiring after 30 years on the same route. Neither rain nor snow nor hail has ever prevented Sam from the delivering the mail on time. Needless to say Sam will be sorely missed. People have been turning out all morning to wish him well and offer gifts. Toward the end of his route he arrives at the home of lovely Mrs. Smith who invites him in to a gourmet full course breakfast. Sam cannot believe it but the best is yet to come she assures him. After eating she leads him upstairs and he finds himself in a passionate embrace followed by several hours of wild passionate loving. Delirious at the end Sam thinks he has died and gone to heaven. Suddenly Mrs. Smith leaps up and runs to her purse saying "I almost forgot!" She takes out a toonie which she hands to Sam. "What's this for?" he asks baffled. "When I asked my husband what we should do about a retirement gift for you he replied 'Sam, fuck him! Give him two bucks.' But the breakfast was my idea."

Joke March 2

2007-03-02T07:01:00.000-08:00

Black Fellah to White Fellah

Dear white fellah,
There's a coupla tings you orta no.
FirstlyWen I am born, I'm black.
Wen I grow up, I'm black.
Wen I get sick, I'm black.
Wen I'm cold, I'm black.
Wen I go out in the sun, I'm black.
And wen I get scared, I'm black.
And wen I die, yes, I'm still black.
But you white fellah ....Wen you born, you pink.
Wen you grow up, you white.
Wen you get sick, you green.
Wen you cold, you go blue.
Wen you go out in the sun, you go red.
And wen you get scared, you yellah.
And wen you die, you purple.
And you call me coloured !!

Joke March 1

2007-03-01T06:58:00.000-08:00

GOOD THINGS ABOUT HUSBANDS:
1. Husbands are less expensive to shoe.
2. Feeding a husband doesn't require anything that even mildly compares with the hassle of putting up hay.
3. A lame husband can still work.
4. A husband with a belly-ache doesn't have to be walked.
5. Husbands don't try to scratch their heads on your back.
6. They're better able to understand puns.
7. If they're playing hard to catch you *may* be able to run them down on foot.
8. They know their name.
9. They pay their own bills.
10. They apologize when they step on your toes.
11. No saddle fitting problems.
12. They seldom refuse to get in the vehicle.
13. They don't panic, yelling and running all through the house when you leave them alone. (unless you left the kids too).
14. For a nominal fee you can hire someone else to clip them.
15. They don't like the lady next door just as well as you just because she fed him 3 days straight.

THE HORSE'S ADVANTAGE:
1. If they don't work out you can sell them.
2. They don't come with in-laws.
3. You don't have to worry about your children looking like them.
4. You never have to iron their saddle pads.
5. If you get too fat for one you can shop for a bigger one.
6. They smell good when they sweat.
7. You can repair their "clothes" with duct tape.
8. It's possible to keep them from "jumping the fence."
9. You can force them to stay in good physical condition...with a whip if necessary.
10. They don't want their turn at the computer.
11. They turn white with age, but not bald.
12. They've never *heard* of PMS.
13. They learn to accept restraint.
14. They love to go trail riding.
15. They don't care what you look like, as long as you have a carrot.

Joke Feb 28th

2007-02-28T07:26:00.001-08:00

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
And the number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN

Joke Feb 20th

2007-02-20T07:23:00.000-08:00

More funny (or not) pick up lines:

Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why, don't you like pizza?
Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.
Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???
Do you have a mirror in your pocket, cause I keep seeing myself in your pants.
I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

Joke Feb 19th

2007-02-19T07:57:00.000-08:00

More funny (or not) pick up lines:

My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.
Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.
I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, we could do it in public.

Joke Feb 15th

2007-02-15T08:13:00.000-08:00

More funny/sad pick up lines:

- You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
- Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
- My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
- Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
- Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

Joke Feb 14th (Happy Valentines Day)

2007-02-14T08:04:00.000-08:00

Funny (well some gross) pick up lines:

Are those real?
You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
(Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself!

Joke Feb 12th

2007-02-12T08:06:00.000-08:00

More Funny Pickup Lines:

- I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you all day long
for a quarter.
- Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
- I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
- Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?
- You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch
away.

Joke Jan 31st

2007-01-31T08:07:00.000-08:00

Miss Bea was in her eighties and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something..but he certainly could not mention the strange sight in her parlor. When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could resist no longer."Miss Bea" he said,"I wonder if you would tell me about this"... pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied. "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. It said to put it on the organ and keep it wet and it would prevent disease. And, you know, I think it is working. I haven't had cold all winter."

Joke Jan 30

2007-01-30T07:50:00.000-08:00

A man met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night with him for $500. So, they spent the night together. In the morning, before he left, he told the girl that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "Rent for Apartment."
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he sent a check for $250 and enclosed a note:
"Dear Madam: Enclosed find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1. It had never been occupied;
2. There was plenty of heat;
3. It was small enough to make me cozy and at home Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent back the following reply:
"Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord."

Joke Jan 26th

2007-01-26T08:09:00.000-08:00

More funny pick up lines

6. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
7. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
8. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher,have you seen one?
9. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
10. Wanna play Army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.

Joke Jan 25th

2007-01-25T08:06:00.000-08:00

Great/funny pick up lines..
1. I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
2. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.
3. Nice legs...what time do they open?
4. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
5. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

Joke Jan 3rd (Happy New Year)

2007-01-03T08:36:00.000-08:00

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE PMS

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker thatsays,"How's my driving- call 1-800-***-****."
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
8. You're counting down the days until menopause.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

Joke Dec 20th

2006-12-20T07:37:00.000-08:00

Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Joke Dec 19th

2006-12-19T07:03:00.000-08:00

Men are like mini skirts.... If you're not careful, they'll creep upyour legs

Joke Dec 18th

2006-12-18T07:34:00.000-08:00

Men are like curling irons.... They are always hot, and they are always in your hair.

Joke Dec 14th

2006-12-14T07:33:00.000-08:00

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Flatter her,
Smile at her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewelry,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Show up naked.
Bring alcohol.

Joke Dec 13th

2006-12-13T07:32:00.000-08:00

Men are like high heel shoes..... They are easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Joke Dec 12th

2006-12-12T07:16:00.000-08:00

Men are like bananas... The older they get, the less firm they are.

Joke Dec 11th

2006-12-11T08:07:00.000-08:00

Men are like bank accounts.....Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Joke Dec 8th

2006-12-08T06:37:00.000-08:00

Men are like lava lamps......Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Joke Dec 7th

2006-12-07T07:06:00.000-08:00

These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many years. First guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?" The second guy speaking very s..l..o..w..l..y.. tells the first guy, "I w..a..s.. a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r. .r.. i..e..d." The first guy says in amazement, "Hey; you don't stutter any more." The answer comes, "Y..e..s, I w..e..n..t t..o a d..o..c..t..o..r.. a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e t..h..a..t i..f I s..p..e..a..k..s..l..o..w..l..y I w..i..l..l n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r." The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he was almost married. "W..e..l..l m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d I w..e..r..e s..i...t..t..i..n..g.. o..n h..e..r p..o...r..c..ha..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..gh..i..s b..a..c..k a..n..d I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t w..h..e..n w..e a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d s..h..e c..a..n d..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e a..n..d s..h..e t..h..r..e..w t..h..e r..i..n..g i..n m .y f..a..c..e.." "Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend."W..e..l..l I s..p..e..a..k s..o s..l..o..w..l..y, t..h..a..t b..y t..h..e t..i..m..e s..h..e l..o..o..k..e..d.. a..t t..h..e d..o..g, h..e w ..a..s l..i..c..k..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..l..l..s"

Joke Dec 6th

2006-12-06T07:38:00.000-08:00

Men are like copiers.....You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Jokes Dec 4th

2006-12-04T07:52:00.000-08:00

Men are like Parking spots.....The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.

Joke Dec 1st

2006-12-01T08:02:00.000-08:00

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

Joke Nov 30th

2006-11-30T08:02:00.000-08:00

Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Joke Nov 28th

2006-11-28T08:23:00.000-08:00

Q: What is the difference between men and women:....

A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need... A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Joke Nov 24th

2006-11-24T07:56:00.000-08:00

Men are like Bike helmets......Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Men are like Government Bonds......They take so long to mature.

Joke Nov 23rd

2006-11-23T07:24:00.000-08:00

Men are like floor tiles.....Lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for a lifetime.
Men are like place mats.....They only show up when there is food on the table.
Men are like mascara.....They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Joke Nov 22nd

2006-11-22T08:25:00.000-08:00

Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A: They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch.

Joke Nov 21st.

2006-11-21T07:36:00.000-08:00

Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie. "Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!" she exclaimed. "No," said the genie, "You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish."

"Let's see," says Monica, "I don't need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage. And I don't need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, I'll have all the money I could ever want. I would like to get rid of these love handles, though. Yes, that's it, for my one wish, I would like my love handles removed."

And, poof, just like that, her ears were gone!

Jokes Nov 20th (Happy Birthday Jason)

2006-11-20T08:13:00.000-08:00

Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes. It's our job to stomp them, and then keep them in the dark until they mature. And hopefully they'll turn out to be something we would like to have dinner with.

Men-tal Anxiety. . . Men-opause. . . Men-tal Breakdown. Ever notice that all problems start with MEN?

Joke Nov 17th

2006-11-17T07:57:00.000-08:00

If condoms were made by telecom companies. Telecom Brand slogans would be:

Nokia Condoms:- This is Human Technology
Ericsson Condoms:- It's all about connecting people
ATT Condoms:- The right choice
Motorola Condoms:- What you never thought possible

Movie condoms
Godzilla Condoms:- Size does matter!!!!!

Joke Nov 16th

2006-11-16T10:35:00.000-08:00

Slogans for new condoms from familiar USA Brands

Budwiser Condoms:- This bud's for you

Burger King Condoms:- Home of the Whopper

Gatorade Condoms:- The thirst Quencher

Ball Park Franks Condoms:- They plump when you use em

Charmin Condoms:- Don't squeeze the Charmin

Joke Nov 15th (thanks Chuck!)

2006-11-15T13:43:00.000-08:00

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning...
Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table, and he looks into his small bowl.
It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!?" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots?
It was Mummy Bear who got up first.
It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.
It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.
It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.
It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants.
It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.
It was Mummy Bear who put the bloody cats out, cleaned the litter boxes, gave the cats their food, and refilled their water.
And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....
I HAVEN'T MADE THE F ***** G PORRIDGE YET!!!"

Joke Nov 14th

2006-11-14T08:00:00.000-08:00

Imagine if major companies from all around the world started producing orsponsoring condoms. They would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise moreopenly. Imagine the trademarks:

Nike Condoms : - Just do it.

Toyota Condoms : - Oh.. what a feeling.

Ford Condoms : - The ride of your life.

Sony Condoms : - Do not underestimate the power of Sony Condoms.

Microsoft Condoms : - Where do you want to go today ?

KFC Condoms : - Finger Licking Good.

M&Ms Condoms : - Melt in your mouth, not in your hands.

Coca-Cola Condoms : - The Real Thing.

Ever-Ready Condoms : - Keep going and going ....

Macintosh Condoms : - It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.

Pringles Condoms : - Once you pop, you can't stop.

Marlboro Classic : - Fits The Man

Joke Nov 8th

2006-11-09T08:05:00.000-08:00

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks him if he can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?". He answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers. So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!

Joke Nov 8th

2006-11-08T08:01:00.000-08:00

The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court. But custody of the children was a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and said, "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"

joke Nov 7th

2006-11-07T08:46:00.000-08:00

The S.H.I.T. Program

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying togive employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job,please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle. Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T.
already. If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.). If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
I suggest that the Company form an adjunct Human Engineering and Development Staff (S.H.I.T. H.E.A.D.S.) to guarantee universal implementation of this S.H.I.T. program. Any Volunteers?

Jokes Nov 6th

2006-11-06T07:43:00.000-08:00

The Tip

Grandpa and Grandma were living with their son and daughter-in-law. Grandpa noticed that his son had a bottle of Viagra and asked if he could have one. His son said, "Dad, I don't think you should take one, they're very strong and expensive." Grandpa said, "I know, but I want to try one. How much are they??" His son replied, $10 each. Grandpa only had a $50 bill but was going to the bank. He told his son that he would leave $10 under his pillow that night. The next morning his son found $110 under his pillow and said, "Dad, I told you it was only $10. There's $110 under my pillow!!" Grandpa said, "That's ok, the other $100 is from Grandma!!"

Joke Nov 3rd

2006-11-03T09:08:00.000-08:00

A Good Lover

A woman is fast approaching 40 years of age and is without a partner. This situation has her rather depressed due to her long history of failed relationships. After much debate she decides that the best thing to do is to take out a personal ad in the paper: Wanted: A good lover to be my friend; who won't beat me and won't run out on me. After a week or so no one has responded to the ad. She is feeling particularly depressed when the door bell rings. She opens the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the front porch. Quite surprised at the sight she asks him what he wants. He replies, "I'm responding to your ad for a good lover." "How can that be? You have no arms and no legs!" "I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run out on you!" he said. "What about being a good lover?" she asked. He responded, "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"

Joke Nov 2nd

2006-11-02T08:16:00.000-08:00

The year is 2222. Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do."A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member, about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?" well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well," she says, "that's quite impressive, but it is still too narrow." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman."Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?" "It was horrible," he replies, "all I got was a headache ... She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears!!"

Joke Nov 1st

2006-11-01T08:08:00.000-08:00

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house to see her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door. "What are you doing?" the mother-in-law asked. "I am waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law replied. "Why are you naked?" asked the mother-in-law. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law replied. "LOVE DRESS! You are naked," said the mother-in-law."But my husband loves it when I wear this dress. It makes him happy and he makes me happy," said the daughter-in-law. "I would appreciate your leaving now because my husband will be home any minute" the daughter-in-law continued. Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law left, on the way home she thought about the "LOVE DRESS" and got an idea. She undressed, showered, and applied her best perfume then waited by the door for her husband to come home. Finally the pickup truck drove up the driveway and she took her place by the door. The father-in-law opened the door and immediately saw his wife naked by the door. "What are you doing?" he asked."This is my love dress," the mother-in-law replied. "Maybe you should iron it," he replied.

Joke Oct 31st (BOO!)

2006-10-31T08:08:00.000-08:00

Actual Newspaper Headline:

Organ festival ends in smashing climax.

Joke Oct 30th

2006-10-30T08:24:00.000-08:00

Ancient Chinese Proverb

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys; All are on different limbs at different times; At any given time, some monkeys are climbing up, others down; The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces; The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

Joke Oct 27

2006-10-27T10:27:00.000-07:00

Breasts........ Finally, something other than smiley faces.... :)
(o)(o) perfect breasts
( + )( + ) fake silicone breasts
(*)(*) perky breasts
(@)(@) big nipple breasts
oo A cups
{ O }{ O } D cups
(oYo) wonder bra breasts
( ^ )( ^ ) cold breasts
(o)(O) lopsided breasts
(Q)(O) pierced breasts
(p)(p) hanging tassels breasts
\o/\o/ Grandma's breasts
( - )( - ) against the shower door breasts
oo android breasts
($)($) Jenny McCarthy's breasts (((WHO ???)))

Joke Oct 26th

2006-10-26T11:12:00.000-07:00

Grandma's Prescription RX

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied,"I'd like to have some birth control pills." Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?" The woman responded, "They help me sleep better." The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?" The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."

Joke Oct 24th

2006-10-24T08:17:00.000-07:00

There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin... I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been laid!!" Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry about you." 10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11 o'clock...12 o'clock... Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flys open. In runs Gladys... straight to the bathroom. Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys??"No she answered, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her pantie saround her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself. "What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty. "Betty, it was10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!!"

Joke Oct 22nd

2006-10-23T08:07:00.000-07:00

It's after dinner when a man realizes he's out of cigarettes. He decides to pop down to the local bar for a pack, telling his wife he'll be right back. He's persuaded by the bartender to share a cold one. As he's nursing it a gorgeous blond comes in the door, but he looks the other way. She comes over and sits down. One thing leads to another and she invites him home. Back at her place they screw like rabbits until the next thing he knows it's four o'clock in the morning. Jumping out of bed, he shakes the woman awake, asking if she has any baby powder."In the bathroom cabinet" she says. He dusts his hands, drives home at ninety, and pulls into the driveway to find his wife waiting up for him, rolling pin in hand."So where the hell have you been?" she screams."Well, you see honey," he stammers, "I only went out for cigarettes, but Jake offered me a beer and then this beautiful blonde walked in and we got to talking and drinking and I ended up back at her place making love...""Wait a minute" snapped his wife, "let me see your hands."Turning on him furiously, she says, "Don't lie...you've been bowling again!"

Joke Oct 20th

2006-10-20T07:54:00.000-07:00

Embarassing Moments #4

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him go down to the principal's office, he was to phone his mother, and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and he returned to the classroom, where he sat down in his seat. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom." she screamed. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

Joke Oct 19th

2006-10-19T09:10:00.000-07:00

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of Life Savers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these." The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored Life Savers, all of the kids were stumped. "I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time." Instantly, one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Spit 'em out, they're assholes!"

Joke Oct 18th

2006-10-18T08:12:00.000-07:00

A man is in a bar one night and he claims he can tell any fur type just by its feel and can tell how it was killed. He bets everyone in the bar a round of drinks that he can. So they blindfold him and present him with a fur. He feels it and says, "That's beaver fur and it was shot by a .22." Everyone is amazed. "Just a lucky guess, try again." they all said. So again, he is blindfolded, feels a new fur and proclaims " That's a grey wolf and was shot with a .308" Right again. A new fur-- "That' s a grizzly bear, shot with a 30.06" This goes on all night, and he gets very drunk on all the free drinks. The next morning he wakes up with a big puffy black eye. He asks his wife "I know I was pretty drunk last night, but I don't remember getting into afight." His wife replies "Oh that's from me, when you got into bed last night, you were getting frisky and put you hand between my legs and said"Skunk, split with an axe"

Joke Oct 17th

2006-10-17T08:09:00.000-07:00

Embarassing Moments #3

One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE 13, TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER???"

Joke Oct. 16th

2006-10-16T07:42:00.000-07:00

Embarassing moment #2

It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call... we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, "SURPRISE!!!" My entire family, aunts, uncles, Grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again...

Joke Oct 13th (Friday :) )

2006-10-13T08:22:00.000-07:00

Embarassing moments:

1.) While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now", she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter..

Joke Oct 12, 2006

2006-10-12T08:14:00.000-07:00

Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend, Ralph, and she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Ralph: "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window my husband is home early!" Ralph looked out the window and said: "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there!" Mary cried: "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!"So the boyfriend grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window! When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race . . . so he started running along with the others -- only he was still in the nude and carrying his clothes on his arm.One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?" Ralph answered, while gasping for air: "Oh yes, It feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."Another runner then asked the nude man: "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?" Ralph answered breathlessly: "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"A third runner then asked: "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" Ralph answered, "Only if it's raining."

Joke Oct 10th

2006-10-10T08:12:00.000-07:00

There was a couple, married for 20 years, and every time they had sex the husband always insisted on turning off the lights. After 20 years of this, the wife was fed up. She figured she would break her husband of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of doing it, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a dildo. She got very upset. "You impotent pig," she screamed, "how could you deceive me all these years? You'd better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eye and says calmly..."I'll explain the dildo if you explain the kids."

Joke Oct 6th

2006-10-06T08:00:00.000-07:00

Dirty Danny sat in the back of his first-grade class. Miss Pagnozzi announced, "We're going to play a game. I'll say a few words about something and you try to tell me what I'm thinking about. The first thing is a fruit. It's round and it's red." Little Billy raised his hand and said, "An apple." "No, it's a tomato. But I'm glad to see you're thinking," said the teacher. "Now the next one is yellow and it's a fruit." Rickey raised his hand and said, "A grapefruit!" "No, it's a lemon. But I'm glad to see you're thinking," said Miss Pagnozzi. "The next one is round and it's a green vegetable." Little Mary shouted up, "It's a lettuce." "No," said the teacher. "It's a pea. But I'm glad to see you're thinking." Just then Danny raised his hand and said, "Teach, can I ask you one?" "All right." "I got somethin' in my pocket. It's long and it's hard and it's got a pink tip." "Danny!" shouted the teacher. "That's disgusting!" "It's a pencil," said Danny. "But I'm glad to see you're thinking."

Oct 5th bonus joke

2006-10-05T10:58:00.000-07:00

Grandma's letter. She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choirperformance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did. What an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, For the love of God! Go! Go!Go! Jesus Christ, GO! What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back therebecause I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved atall my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!Will write again soon,
Love Grandma

Joke Oct 5th

2006-10-05T07:53:00.000-07:00

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?" The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"
"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."
"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."
"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc.. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

Joke Oct 4th

2006-10-04T08:25:00.000-07:00

Chris Rock quote of the year
"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon."

Joke Oct 3rd

2006-10-03T07:53:00.000-07:00

A group of people were traveling cross-country on a Greyhound bus. The driver had just turned onto the interstate highway when a woman came up to him and said, "Please stop the bus, there's a man back there who is bothering me." The driver said he'd stop at the very next exit. A short while later, another woman came up and made the same complaint. When the driver was finally able to stop, he walked to the rear of the bus and saw a little, old, baldheaded man down on his hands and knees. The bus driver asked, "Sir, what seems to be the problem?"
"Well," says the little, old man, "I lost my toupee and I'm looking for it. I thought I'd found it several times, but mine parts on the side."

Joke Oct 2nd (Oct already!!!)

2006-10-02T08:06:00.000-07:00

A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5,000.00 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving, she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," the clerk replies.
"I'm actually 47," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonalds and upon getting her order, asks the counter girl the same question.
She replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies, "Nope, I am 47." Now she is feeling really good about herself. While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question.
He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is starting to go. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands up your shirt and feel your boobs. Then I can tell exactly how old you are."
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go ahead." The old man slips both hands up her shirt, under her bra, and begins to feel around.
After a couple of minutes she says, "Okay,, how old am I?"
He removes his hands and says, "You are 47."
Stunned the woman says, "That is amazing. How did you know?"
The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonalds."

Joke for Sept 29th (early)

2006-09-28T08:08:00.000-07:00

A 75-year old couple decided they wanted to have a child together. But they were having trouble conceiving. So to see if he could still be the father of a child, he went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?" The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"

Thursdays Joke

2006-09-28T08:03:00.000-07:00

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the sheik came in."I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik turned to the first man and asked him what he did for a living."I'm a cop," said the first man."Then we will shoot your penis off!" said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living."I'm a firemen," said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!" said the sheik. Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" The third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

Wednesday Joke

2006-09-27T07:30:00.000-07:00

My dog Sex

When he found out that i was baptist, he bit me. He was a wonderful watchdog. One evening while i was being held up.... he watched.
Everybody who has a dog calls him either Rover or Boy, I call mine sex..... now sex is a very embarrassing name. One day I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for him. A cop came over to me and said," what are you doing in this alley at 4 am?" I said , "I'm looking for Sex." My case comes up Thursday.
One day I went to city Hall to get a dog license and told the clerk, "I would like to have a license for Sex." He said, "I would like to have one too." Then i said, "But this is a dog." And he said he didnt care how she looked. Then I said " you dont understand, I've had Sex since I was two years old." He said "you must been a very strong baby."
I told him when we seperated i went to court to fight for custody of the dog.. I said "your Honor, I had Sex before I got married," and the judge said "me too " When I told him that after I was married Sex left me and he said " me too" Then i told him that I had Sex on TV and he said " show off" I told him that it was a contest and he told me that I should have sold tickets. i also told the judge about the time when my spouse and I was on our honeymoon and we took the dog Sex. When I checked into the motel I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my spouse and I and a special room for Sex. The clerk said that every room in the motel was for Sex. Then I said " you dont understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." And the clerk said "me too!
I give up

Tuesday Joke

2006-09-26T08:03:00.000-07:00

A penguin is driving through Arizona on a hot summer's day when he notices his oil light is on. He gets out of the car and, sure enough, it's leaking oil all over the road. The penguin drives around the corner to a service station and asks the mechanic to take a look at it.
The mechanic says he has a few others to look at first, but if he comes back in an hour, he can tell the penguin what is wrong with his car. The penguin agrees and goes for a walk. He finds an ice cream shop and thinks a big bowl of vanilla ice cream will really hit the spot since he's a penguin and its Arizona in the summer, after all. He sits down at the counter and starts in on his ice cream. Of course, he has no hands so it is rather messy. By the time he is done he has ice cream all over his flippers and his mouth-a total mess. He walks back to the service station and says to the mechanic, "Did you find out what is wrong with my car?"The mechanic replies, "It looks like you've blown a seal."
"No, no," says the penguin. "It's just ice cream."

Monday Joke

2006-09-25T08:05:00.000-07:00

Clyde died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Clem and Zeke, were sent for.
Clem went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Clem said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Clem looked and said "Nope, it ain't Clyde." The mortician thought this was rather strange.
Then he brought Zeke in to identify the body and Zeke took a look at him and said "Yup, he"s burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Zeke looked down and said "No, it ain't Clyde."
The mortician asked "How can you tell?"
Zeke said "Well, Clyde had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes."
"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Everytime we went to town, folks would say "Here comes Clyde with them two assholes!"

Friday Joke

2006-09-22T09:06:00.000-07:00

The rules of bedroom golf
1. Each Player shall furnish his own equipment - normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object of the game is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft.
5. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
6. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
7. The object of the game is to use as many strokes as necessary until the owner of the course is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
8. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.
9. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.
10. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain-gear along, just in case.
11. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be their course.
12. Players should not assume that a course is in a fit shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful under this situation.
13. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.
14. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the request of the course owner.
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
16. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
17. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at any given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner, and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

Wednesday joke

2006-09-20T08:53:00.000-07:00

Bubba is showering in a locker room with his buddy when he notices his friend is very well endowed. "Damn, Bob, you're really hung!" Bubba exclaims.

"I wasn't always this impressive; I had to work for it."

"What do you mean?" Bubba asked.

"Well, everyday for the past 2 years, I've spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy, but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it."

Bubba agrees, and the two say good-bye.

A few months later, the two are in the same locker room, and Bob asks Bubba how his situation was developing. Bubba replied, "I did what you said, Bob, but I've actually gotten smaller! I lost 2 inches already!"

"Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?"

"Well, we don't usually have real butter, so I've been using Crisco."

"Crisco!" Bob exclaimed. "Dammit, Bubba, Crisco is shortening!"

Tuesday Joke

2006-09-19T08:13:00.000-07:00

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.

He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th."
Once again he thanked her.

He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help." He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No, I wouldn't," he said.

She said, "I sell tampons."

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard. She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!"

Monday Joke

2006-09-18T08:59:00.000-07:00

Taxes

Since the IRS has decided to tax men's penises, it has come to believe that women shouldn't be left out. So they have decided that a Breast Tax is in order.

Please refer to the chart below for your tax computation:
AA cup Flat rate $ 5.00
A cup Slight rise $10.00
B cup Normal rate $15.00
C cup Over abundant rate $20.00
D cup* "Are they real?" rate $40.00

PLEASE NOTE: Anyone under AA cup is eligible for a refund.
PLEASE DO NOT REQUEST AN ENLARGEMENT!!!
* Females exceeding D cup should consult their tax advisor for the KNOCK YOUR EYES OUT Capital Gains tax.

Ahhh... Home again

2006-09-17T11:47:00.000-07:00

Travel throws a bit of a kink in providing jokes...

Back from 3 days in Sudbury Ontario visiting a client. Really wiped out, and taking the weekend to relax and get ready for work on Monday again.

Meetings with client for three days. Just tiring! A three hour time difference doesn't help either.

After our first day of meetings Sue and I went for a walk. Down to Ramsey lake and part way around on the bordwalk. What a lovely time that was, very picturesque, the walkway is right on the lake and goes all the way around (over 20 km). We walked for about 1.5 hours, felt sooo good after travelling all of the previous day and working late into the night preparing for the day's meetings.

We met with Debra, a former co-worker, while in Sudbury. What fun it was, getting caught up and just having an enjoyable night. She took us on a tour of Sudbury, and of course we had to go to the big nickle... She had made recommendations of restaurants to eat at, and all were very yummy!

The wireless network connection on my laptop would not connect after we left the Toronto airport on the way to Sudbury... That was quite annoying (to put it politely), but luckily after the first night I discovered that the hotel was still wired for network connectivity, and all the meeting rooms had network connections available.

Was so very nice to return home... landing at Victoria airport and the feeling of being home. Finally got home at about midnight (after a full day of meetings), needless to say didn't do too much besides brushing teeth and going right to bed. The cat was very happy to see me home and voiced his pleasure for quite some time, then curled down on top of me and purred much of the night.

Headed off Saturday morning to pick up Casey and no answer at the dog boarder's house... Damn! Was really looking forward to seeing my pup. Went to Tim Hortons for a coffee and muffin, took them to the top of Mount Tolmie and looked over the city while eating my muffin. Checked back afterwards and still no answer, so called and left a message that I had been by, to give me a call when she was back and we would arrange a time. She called shortly after I arrived home and I headed out again to pick up my boy.

He was certainly excited to see me home!!! 10 minutes of him hugging me and giving kisses... it is so very nice to be missed! Sabrina said he had been a very well behaved pup when she had some other dogs on Friday. Seems all the hard work on adjusting his behaviour with other dogs is starting to pay off!

Casey had been scratching while with Sabrina, so most likely fleas. Fleas are pretty much a year round problem here as it doesn't get cold enough to get rid of them. Looking into more natural ways of dealing with them, all the chemicals in the solutions from the vets can not be good long term for the animals.

Continuing on my pear cooking... making a pear bread today, fresh bread sounds soooo good!

All for now, may be an afternoon nap in the works. :)

Sunday joke special

2006-09-17T11:43:00.000-07:00

Subject: Ladies' Bumper Stickers...

So Many Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me.
God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends.
My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips.
Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog.
Coffee, Chocolate, Men ... Some Things Are Just Better Rich.
Don't Treat Me Any Differently Than You Would The Queen
Warning: I Have An Attitude And I Know How To Use It.
Of Course I Don't Look Busy...I Did It Right The First Time.
Do Not Start With Me. You Will Not Win.
Sorry If I Looked Interested. I'm Not.
If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In The Kitchen.

Monday's joke

2006-09-11T08:25:00.000-07:00

Taxes

The only thing the I.R.S. has not taxed is the penis. This is due to the fact that:
40% of the time it's hanging around unemployed. 20% of the time it's pissed off. 30% of the time it's hard up. 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of all this, it has two dependants and they are both nuts.
Accordingly, starting January 1, 2006, penises will be taxed according to size. To determine the category, please consult the chart below and confirm this information of Page 2, Section 7, Line 3, of the standard 1040 form.
10 to 12 Inches = Luxury Tax $50.00
8 to 10 inches = Pole Tax $30.00
6 to 8 inches = Privilege Tax $15.00
4 to 6 inches = Nuisance Tax $5.00
PLEASE NOTE: Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.
PLEASE DO NOT REQUEST AN EXTENSION.
* Males exceeding 12 inches must file Capital Gains.

Sincerely,
Pecker Checker Internal Revenue Service

Friday Joke

2006-09-08T09:47:00.001-07:00

THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE:

AGE FAVORITE DRINK

17 Wine Coolers

25 White wine

35 Red wine

48 Dom Perignon

66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

AGE FAVORITE SPORT

17 shopping

25 shopping

35 shopping

48 shopping

66 shopping

AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

17 " Burger King "

25 " Free meal "

35 " A diamond "

48 " A bigger diamond "

66 " Home Alone "

AGE FAVORITE FANTASY

17 tall, dark and handsome

25 tall, dark and handsome with money

35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain

48 a man with hair

66 a man

AGE WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

17 17

25 25

35 35

48 48

66 66

AGE IDEAL DATE

17 He offers to pay

25 He pays

35 He cooks breakfast the next morning

48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids

66 He can chew