Joke Nov 30th

Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Joke Nov 28th

Q: What is the difference between men and women:....

A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need... A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Joke Nov 24th

Men are like Bike helmets......Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Men are like Government Bonds......They take so long to mature.

Joke Nov 23rd

Men are like floor tiles.....Lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for a lifetime.
Men are like place mats.....They only show up when there is food on the table.
Men are like mascara.....They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Joke Nov 22nd

Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A: They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch.

Joke Nov 21st.

Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie. "Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!" she exclaimed. "No," said the genie, "You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish."

"Let's see," says Monica, "I don't need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage. And I don't need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, I'll have all the money I could ever want. I would like to get rid of these love handles, though. Yes, that's it, for my one wish, I would like my love handles removed."

And, poof, just like that, her ears were gone!

Jokes Nov 20th (Happy Birthday Jason)

Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes. It's our job to stomp them, and then keep them in the dark until they mature. And hopefully they'll turn out to be something we would like to have dinner with.

Men-tal Anxiety. . . Men-opause. . . Men-tal Breakdown. Ever notice that all problems start with MEN?

Joke Nov 17th

If condoms were made by telecom companies. Telecom Brand slogans would be:

Nokia Condoms:- This is Human Technology
Ericsson Condoms:- It's all about connecting people
ATT Condoms:- The right choice
Motorola Condoms:- What you never thought possible

Movie condoms
Godzilla Condoms:- Size does matter!!!!!

Joke Nov 16th

Slogans for new condoms from familiar USA Brands

Budwiser Condoms:- This bud's for you

Burger King Condoms:- Home of the Whopper

Gatorade Condoms:- The thirst Quencher

Ball Park Franks Condoms:- They plump when you use em

Charmin Condoms:- Don't squeeze the Charmin

Joke Nov 15th (thanks Chuck!)

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning...
Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table, and he looks into his small bowl.
It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!?" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots?
It was Mummy Bear who got up first.
It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.
It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.
It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.
It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants.
It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.
It was Mummy Bear who put the bloody cats out, cleaned the litter boxes, gave the cats their food, and refilled their water.
And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....
I HAVEN'T MADE THE F ***** G PORRIDGE YET!!!"

Joke Nov 14th

Imagine if major companies from all around the world started producing orsponsoring condoms. They would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise moreopenly. Imagine the trademarks:

Nike Condoms : - Just do it.

Toyota Condoms : - Oh.. what a feeling.

Ford Condoms : - The ride of your life.

Sony Condoms : - Do not underestimate the power of Sony Condoms.

Microsoft Condoms : - Where do you want to go today ?

KFC Condoms : - Finger Licking Good.

M&Ms Condoms : - Melt in your mouth, not in your hands.

Coca-Cola Condoms : - The Real Thing.

Ever-Ready Condoms : - Keep going and going ....

Macintosh Condoms : - It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.

Pringles Condoms : - Once you pop, you can't stop.

Marlboro Classic : - Fits The Man

Joke Nov 8th

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks him if he can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?". He answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers. So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!

Joke Nov 8th

The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court. But custody of the children was a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and said, "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"

joke Nov 7th

The S.H.I.T. Program

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying togive employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job,please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle. Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T.
already. If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.). If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
I suggest that the Company form an adjunct Human Engineering and Development Staff (S.H.I.T. H.E.A.D.S.) to guarantee universal implementation of this S.H.I.T. program. Any Volunteers?

Jokes Nov 6th

The Tip

Grandpa and Grandma were living with their son and daughter-in-law. Grandpa noticed that his son had a bottle of Viagra and asked if he could have one. His son said, "Dad, I don't think you should take one, they're very strong and expensive." Grandpa said, "I know, but I want to try one. How much are they??" His son replied, $10 each. Grandpa only had a $50 bill but was going to the bank. He told his son that he would leave $10 under his pillow that night. The next morning his son found $110 under his pillow and said, "Dad, I told you it was only $10. There's $110 under my pillow!!" Grandpa said, "That's ok, the other $100 is from Grandma!!"

Joke Nov 3rd

A Good Lover

A woman is fast approaching 40 years of age and is without a partner. This situation has her rather depressed due to her long history of failed relationships. After much debate she decides that the best thing to do is to take out a personal ad in the paper: Wanted: A good lover to be my friend; who won't beat me and won't run out on me. After a week or so no one has responded to the ad. She is feeling particularly depressed when the door bell rings. She opens the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the front porch. Quite surprised at the sight she asks him what he wants. He replies, "I'm responding to your ad for a good lover." "How can that be? You have no arms and no legs!" "I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run out on you!" he said. "What about being a good lover?" she asked. He responded, "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"

Joke Nov 2nd

The year is 2222. Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do."A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member, about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?" well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well," she says, "that's quite impressive, but it is still too narrow." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman."Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?" "It was horrible," he replies, "all I got was a headache ... She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears!!"

Joke Nov 1st

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house to see her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door. "What are you doing?" the mother-in-law asked. "I am waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law replied. "Why are you naked?" asked the mother-in-law. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law replied. "LOVE DRESS! You are naked," said the mother-in-law."But my husband loves it when I wear this dress. It makes him happy and he makes me happy," said the daughter-in-law. "I would appreciate your leaving now because my husband will be home any minute" the daughter-in-law continued. Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law left, on the way home she thought about the "LOVE DRESS" and got an idea. She undressed, showered, and applied her best perfume then waited by the door for her husband to come home. Finally the pickup truck drove up the driveway and she took her place by the door. The father-in-law opened the door and immediately saw his wife naked by the door. "What are you doing?" he asked."This is my love dress," the mother-in-law replied. "Maybe you should iron it," he replied.